Summertime Sadness
by hma1010
Summary: Set after Kurt leaves the hotel room in 4x14. A darker take on what reaction Blaine may have had. Warning of suicide attempt.


**A/N- Ok so I'm not really sure where this came from but I had to write it. It's sad but I hope that you'll enjoy this. It takes place directly after Kurt leaves the hotel room after the not-wedding party. **

*****Warning: Suicide attempt, please don't read if it will trigger anything or if it's a topic you do not wish to read about.**

* * *

Blaine stared at the door that Kurt just left through.

"_This doesn't mean anything" _and_ "We're just friends"_ repeating in his head over and over again. He was thankful that Kurt had agreed to them being friends again. He was thankful that Kurt would even talk to him again. But really, he thought that this weekend would have meant more. When he and Kurt had made out in the car, even though he continued to reassure Blaine that it meant nothing more than a hookup, Blaine could feel the spark that was still between them and just knew that it was more than a one time thing. When Kurt had suggested they get a room, well…

But two hours after they entered the room and a more than innocent night together, Kurt had left him with nothing. No hope for rekindled love, no hope for full forgiveness. He left and as Blaine sat on the bed with his head in his hands he couldn't help but feel used and, if anything, hopeless.

He'd been having a hard time, sure, but he knew that once Kurt was back in his life, back to being his boyfriend, that he'd finally feel whole again. Now with Kurt only seeing him as someone to use for sex, what did he have? His mind went through the list as it always did.

Friends? _They were Kurt's first, they'll pick him over you_

Family? _Your parents barely acknowledge you and Cooper only calls when he needs a favor._

School? _Your plan is New York where you'll be stuck watching Kurt fall in love with someone else._

Kurt? _Not any more. Never again._

Kurt was his person. He was who made Blaine believe that he could do anything he wanted and that who always be there to support him. He was the one who was there when his family wasn't and held him when he fought with his father. Kurt was his whole life and he threw him away like it was nothing, and for what? For a guy who said he looked cute. Kurt was right, he was only good for sex, for being used.

Now that Blaine was really thinking about it, he had nothing and no one, life was going on around him and he was no longer making any kind of contribution to it.

What did it matter anymore? What did he matter anymore?

He got up, collected his belongings and left the hotel room. As he got into his car a new determination stopped the shaking that had begun to overtake his body when he realized that he was worthless to the only person he ever wanted to be worth anything for. A plan formed as he left the parking lot and headed home.

* * *

Kurt woke up the next day and took a moment to just lie in bed and smile. His cheeks pinked as he remembered the night before with Blaine and for the first time in months, since that terrible night in New York, he felt at ease. Maybe he wasn't completely ready to forgive Blaine and he knew he definitely wasn't ready to get back together with him, but what they had between them, what they've always had between them, was real and it was love. He knew that no matter how hard he tried he would never be over that boy.

With a general sense of contentment, Kurt got out of bed and got ready for the day. His flight was that night and he knew that if he wanted to go to McKinley and see Blaine before he left, he'd have to finish packing now.

* * *

As he walked into the high school a few hours later, Kurt headed to the choir room because it would be free period. Though there were people in the halls, the school seemed eerily quiet. He looked around confused and felt a knot in his stomach form when he saw a few girls crying at a locker. Picking up his pace, Kurt made it to the choir room and felt his heart flutter at the sight before him.

In the middle of the room the group seemed to be huddled with everyone at various stages of crying. He began walking in but stopped quickly when Sam pushed away from the group and approached him. He was sobbing and Kurt quickly realized that besides him, Tina was the other person crying the hardest and was currently being consoled by Mr. Shue. Kurt turned his attention back to Sam as he approached, his eyebrows shot up to his hairline when the boy grabbed him in a tight hug.

"Um…Sam, are you ok?" He asked confused and awkwardly patted his back.

Sam pulled back and looked at him, "You…you don't know?"

The two of them quickly got the attention of the rest of the room.

"Know what?"

He watched as Mr. Shue passed Tina off to Ryder and walked up to them.

"Kurt when is the last time you talked to Blaine?"

"Blaine?" His heart was beating faster than he thought possible as he looked around the room and realized that the boy wasn't there. That the two people who seemed to be the most upset were Blaine's best friends at the school.

"Kurt? Kurt look at me!"

His attention cleared of the white he was beginning to see and he focused back on his old teacher, "Where is Blaine?"

Mr. Shue looked so sad, he noticed. There was pain in his eyes that seemed to be even deeper than what he saw only the day before when he realized that Emma was not going to walk down the aisle.

He took a step forward and placed his hand on Kurt's shoulder, "Kurt."

Kurt backed away from his hand, tears beginning to form in his eyes, "Ms. Shue, just tell me what happened."

"Blaine is…Kurt, Blaine tried to kill himself last night."

The white fog seemed to be creeping into his vision again but Kurt just shook his head trying to keep it away, "He…no. I…no."

Mr. Shue stepped forward again and this time Kurt let him lay a hand on his shoulder. He looked around at the room and noticed that everyone seemed to be looking at him, even Tina who was trying to control her sobs. He looked back at Will, "What happened?"

"We don't know. Principal Figgins received the call this morning. We haven't been given much information."

"Is he…he's."

"Alive. He's at Lima Regional and on suicide watch but he's alive."

"I have to go." He began to turn around when Mr. Shue tightened his grip and stopped him from going, "Mr. Shue, I have to go see him."

"I know, Kurt, but let me drive you."

Kurt nodded and allowed Will to lead him out of the room and to his car in the parking lot.

As they drove, silence engulfed the car and as Kurt looked down, he noticed his hands were shaking. He thought back to the night before, when Blaine seemed so happy and just so _there_ in the moment, and he tried to find any hint that a short time after Kurt left, that Blaine would try and end his life. Was he so disconnected from his ex that he couldn't even tell that he was not only depressed but also suicidal?

As they made their way through the hospital in a blur, Kurt found himself dreading seeing Blaine. He didn't even know how he had tried to take his life and had no idea how he would find him. Mr. Shue stayed in the family waiting room after they were told that only one visitor was allowed at a time and Kurt found his way to room 213 on shaky legs.

With slight hesitation he quietly knocked on the door and found himself opening it slowly when a small _come in_ was heard.

The first thing Kurt noticed was the woman in blue scrubs sitting in the corner of the room looking up at him from the magazine in her lap with a small smile. When he looked to the left, he saw Blaine lying in bed asleep, looking pale and tired.

"Hello, are you Blaine's brother?" The woman whispered.

He looked back to her, "N-no, I'm…I'm a friend. I'm Kurt."

Her smiled grew, "It's nice to meet you Kurt, I'm Melanie. You're the first visitor he's had, I'm sure he'll be happy to see you."

Kurt looked at her confused, "Who brought him in?"

"His father. His parents were here last night and made sure that he was stable and comfortable in his room, but they couldn't stay."

Kurt nodded a little and looked back to Blaine. He wasn't sure how he didn't notice the thick white gauze wrapped around his wrists, the I.V. of blood connected to the crook of his elbow.

"You can sit down," She nodded to the seat next to the bed when he looked at her, "I have to stay in the room, he's on a suicide watch one-to-one which means he needs a staff member present at all times for now, but just pretend I'm not here as best you can. He will probably wake up soon, his morning meds should be wearing off."

Kurt nodded and moved into the room and slowly sunk down into the chair. He briefly considered taking Blaine's hand, but another look at the gauze and he decided against it, instead resting his hand against Blaine's upper arm.

The touch seemed to be enough to rouse Blaine, though, and moments later Kurt was met with tired hazel eyes.

"Blaine." Kurt choked out, quick tears springing to his eyes and his hold on Blaine's forearm tightening, "God, Blaine."

Blaine closed his eyes and let out a long breath. When he opened his eyes, they were glassy, "I'm sorry." He whispered.

When a tear leaked out, Kurt gently wiped it away, "What happened?"

"You don't need to be here."

Kurt's eyebrows creased together, "What are you talking about? Of course I need to be here. Blaine you tried to kill yourself. Please…what happened?"

Blaine closed his eyes and turned his head looking away from Kurt.

"Blaine?" Kurt asked after several long moments passed.

"I couldn't do it." He didn't turn back.

"Couldn't do what?"

He looked back over to Kurt, "I have nothing, Kurt. I am nothing. I can't do it anymore."

"What are you talking about? You are not nothing."

A few more tears leaked from Blaine's eyes, "I could live with my parents not caring about me, my brother barely being in my life, I could be ok with not many friends and feeling like a failure. I could survive that and fake being happy when I need to, but Kurt, I can't do that, I can't do any of it, when I know that you don't love me. When I know that you will never look at me like you used to, or feel happy when you look at me instead of anger. I can't live when it's not for you and because of you."

Blaine was sobbing. Deep gut wrenching cries were coming out of him and Kurt could feel the hurt so raw and powerful. He wiped his own tears away and tried his best to control his sadness. Knew that Blaine needed his strength and not his sympathy.

"Blaine, honey," He ran his hand through Blaine's hair, pushing it off of his forehead, trying to provide a minor comfort to a boy so desperately sad, "I will always, always love you. You know that. I know what I said yesterday, that we were only friends, that none of what happened meant anything, but Blaine, you know I care about you. I have been angry, yes, but when I look at you, do you know what I see? What I think?"

Blaine shook his head.

"I see the first boy who wasn't afraid to take my hand. The first boy I ever loved and who ever loved me. I will only ever see that love when I look at you."

"It's not the same." He cried, "I love you so much and I will never forgive myself for letting you go, for giving up the only good thing I had in my life."

Kurt wiped a few more tears off his face, ones that were quickly replaced by fresh falling ones, "Blaine, no matter what happens with us, you can't place your happiness, your _life_, on me and on us. You are so hard on yourself, but you need to be ok with you, with just you. You have to be ok by yourself because you can't live your life for other people. It doesn't work like that."

"It's ju-just so hard."

"I know. I just wish you had told me how bad things have gotten."

He sniffled and wiped at his face, "I don't deserve your worrying."

"How about from now on you let me decide if you deserve me worrying about you, ok? You will never be nothing to me. Whether we get back together or find that we can't make it work, I will always be here for you. And more than anything I need to know that you are going to be ok either way. You deserve happiness Blaine."

"I don't know how to do that. How to be ok."

Kurt finally reached over and gently held his hand, squeezing it softly, "That's why I'm going to be here with you the whole time, to make sure that you remember and to help you figure it out."

Blaine closed his eyes, but when he squeezed Kurt's hand, the air in the room seemed to get a little bit lighter.

* * *

**Please review, this is my first time writing something this dark.**


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